Who Ordered the Phrophet on Rye
by Tazlet
Summary: Lucifer and Dan have stuck their deal and now it's time to update Amenadiel; there's just a little hitch.


**Who Ordered the Prophet on Rye?  
** Taz

"I know that one," Lucifer said. "You're miffed."

Amenadiel made no response. He had taken a post by the window, the better to present his broad back to Lucifer. He had his arms crossed high on his chest and was studying the city below with every appearance of intense concentration.

"All right, I admit it," Lucifer said. "You caught me _in flagrante_! You can add it to the list of sins you've been keeping to tattle on me to Dad about."

"Luci, it's not a question of tattling. I just don't see how we're supposed to put this so-called plan of yours into action if you let yourself be distracted by every little thing?"

"Detective Espinoza has agreed to help us find Our Mum, and if I had a little fun in the course of negotiations, it's none of your business." Lucifer eased himself off of the sofa, letting Dan's sleeping form gently melt into the concavities of the soft leather. "I've done exactly what I said I was going to do and, just so you know, he's not that little. Now, what do you want that's so important it couldn't wait?"

"If you'd bothered to return any of my calls, this wouldn't have happened," Amenadiel said. "I need to know what am I supposed to do with six hundred and eighty-four Facebook friend requests."

"Confirm them, of course. Do I have to think of everything?" Lucifer tucked himself and zipped up his trousers on the way to the bar. There he found a bottle of Wild Turkey poured himself a drink. "I don't suppose you've heard from Maze?"

"No," Amenadiel admitted, sounding troubled. "Do you think Our Father…?"

"No. There's no reason that He would do anything, unless Maze…"

"Unless Maze what?"

"Nothing. It's that in the hanger, when Malcolm shot me…" Lucifer set his glass down, and pulled a laptop from under the counter. "I was dying—so close to death—but I wasn't dead, so it wouldn't have broken her bond with me." He sighed. "I wish I knew where she is."

"Why?"

"Because I think that she got the news about Mom while you were snoring your head off." Lucifer gave the button on the edge of the laptop a poke and the screen sprang to life. "She's probably lying low to avoid any hint of a conflict of interest. Wouldn't you?"

Amenadiel didn't answer.

"I said wouldn't you?" When Amenadiel still didn't answer, Lucifer looked up from the laptop. Amenadiel's shoulders gave a twitch that set his wings fluttering.

"That's what I thought." Lucifer said. "Now, what have we here?" He touched the laptop screen. "Oh-oh." He bent closer, and then pulled abruptly back. "Where did you get this profile picture?"

Amenadiel was beside him in three strides, and looking over his shoulder. "What's wrong with it?" he said.

"Not a thing," Lucifer said. "Not a single thing."

The picture was of Amenadiel lying in bed naked. Although a pertinent bit of his anatomy was discreetly fig-leafed by a raised knee, he was clearly naked and lying on untidy white sheets. It was probably an accident that the folds and creases of the sheets radiated from under his shoulders like the spread wings of an eagle. Additionally, the photographer had perfectly captured the soft glow of post-orgasmic bliss in his half-lidded eyes.

"I'm going to tell Our Father," Lucifer singsonged. "Ow! That hurt!"

Amenadial had punched him the shoulder.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing. I told you; it couldn't be more perfect! I was only wondering how it happens…to exist."

"Maze took it." There was the merest hint of smug in Amenadiel's voice.

"Oooo… Good for her! What a clever little demon." Lucifer gave Amenadiel's cheek a pinch. "And good for you, too. Don't worry, brother, from here on in you won't have to hide your light under a bushel. You're going to be posting pictures of angels, and demons, the sexier the better.

For some reason, that didn't seem to enchant Amenadiel. "Angels aren't sexy," he objected.

"Oh, please," Lucifer said, pointing to the image on the screen. "I want you share all the filthy-bad-wrong thoughts you ever had about God's most perfect creation, and doing the dirty with a demon. I know you can relate. And I want you to encourage your nine hundred and forty-one friends to share their thoughts, as well."

"Nine hundred and…!"

"As soon as you confirm their requests—"

"Luci!"

"One of them might be from Maze."

"Maze has a Facebook account?"

"Of course, she does."

"Let me have that!"

"No, I'm not done. I want to share this picture of you."

Amenadiel tried to take the laptop from Lucifer. Lucifer shoved him back. They pulled back and forth until the tussle was interrupted by the sound of an ashtray falling off the end table by the sofa. Dan, stretching restlessly in his sleep, had bumped it. "Lucifer?" he called sleepily.

"Over here, Sweet Cheeks."

Dan raised his head, homed in on Lucifer's voice, but he froze at the sight of Amenadiel. After staring for a moment, he collapsed back on the sofa, buried his head in his arms, and groaned. "Oh, my God."

"Leave him out of this!" Lucifer said. To Amenadiel, he hissed, "Now look what you've done!"

"What do you mean what 'I've' done?!" Amenadiel said. "Can he can see my wings!"

"I don't—I told you, he's one of the complicated ones."

"Complicated my primaries! He's having visions! It's all that that…whatever…you…and your…" Amenadiel couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Blowjob? Spunk? Gizm? Those are the words you're failing so eloquently to say."

"If that's what you've been up to with him. I wouldn't know."

"Sounds like you and Mazikeen haven't gotten past the missionary position! Good to know! I'll have to have a talk with her about enlarging your vocabulary."

"Leave Mazikeen out of this!"

"Why?"

Amenadiel hadn't let go his grip on the laptop. He pulled and Lucifer slammed it on his fingertips. Amenadiel yipped and stuck his fingers in his mouth.

"Sorry." Lucifer smiled. The smile vanished. "Not really. Serves you right."

"Lucifer, this is all beside the point!" Amenadiel said. "He's mortal. He can't keep it up."

"But I have no problems keeping it up for him. He's got a great arse, and he's very flexible."

"I can hear you!" Dan's voice came muffled by his arms.

"Oh? How you feeling, Sweet Cheeks?"

"I have a headache, and that man has wings!"

Lucifer and Amenadiel exchanged startled looks.

"How do you know that?"

"I can see them. Are they real?"

"Yes, he's an archangel," Lucifer said. "Although, he's not being very angelic, at the moment."

Dan looked up, and then buried his face again. "Oh, my God."

"Please, stop saying that."

Dan's reply was an inarticulate mumble.

"Oh, come on, Sweet Cheeks. Come over here. He's my brother; let me introduce you."

Dan sat up, muttering, "First the Devil. Now an archangel. I want to go home. You're going to bring in an unholy demon next."

"I would, but Mazikeen's done the bunk," Lucifer said.

"Of course." Dan started to roll his eyes, and winced. "I should have known."

He got to his feet, and approached the bar with a hand up to shade his face. He collided with a stool, and climbed on it by feel. "Aspirin," he said.

"Your wish is my command," Lucifer said. He set a small plastic bottle on the bar, poured a shot of Wild Turkey into a glass, and pushed them toward Dan. "The things I do for you mortals."

"Loan me a towel, and call me an Uber."

"Okay, you're an Uber."

"Bastard."

Dan shook four tablets from the bottle and tossed them back with a gulp of the whiskey.

"Something the matter with your eyes?" Amenadiel said.

"I have a headache, and you glow." Dan made a motion, like screwing a light-bulb. "Like a kaleidoscope, unless you really have three pairs of wings."

Lucifer and Amenadiel found themselves exchanging another startled look.

"That is strangely insightful of you detective," Lucifer said. "Brother, I supposed you could dial down the celestial rheostat?"

Amenadiel shrugged. "Is that better?"

Dan squinted at him.

"You're the lawyer who got me out of jail!"

"I'm not a lawyer."

Lucifer said. "I was the one who got you out—"

"I want you to sue him!" Dan said. "He's holding me here against my will!"

"You came willingly. Many times."

"You abducted me!"

"Technically, he did."

"You almost drowned me!"

"I was saving your life!"

"You threw my clothes away!"

"I told you, I needed your undivided attention. Listen, Detective Douche, you got yourself into this mess all by yourself when you shot Malcom; it's me who's saving your career!"

"So you could blackmail me!"

"Stop it!" Amenadiel thundered. "I'm not a lawyer. I am not suing anybody! This is not helping us find Our Mother! We have to find her and neither of you has a clue where to begin looking!"

"In the desert," Dan said.

"What?" said Amenadiel and Lucifer, in chorus.

"It is written—her house shall be overgrown with scrub, and her forts with cactus and ironweed."

"What are you—?"

Amenadiel started to speak, but Lucifer motioned for him to be silent.

"Go on."

"Her land will be a habitat for coyotes and lizards. There shall buzzards and owls gather, generation to generation. There shall the Lamia find rest, and be brought to bed…" Dan tailed off.

When it was clear he wasn't say anything else, Lucifer reached out and tilted his chin up. Dan's eyes were lustrous as opals, and blind with visions.

"Is that complicated enough for you?" Lucifer said softly.

"Obadiah, Zachariah, Joel, Jonah…" Amenadiel began reciting names, ticking them off on his fingers. "…Malachi, and John," he finished. "There is no prophet Dan."

"There is now," Lucifer said.

"How is this going to help us, though? The desert?" Amenadiel said. "There are lots of deserts on this world."

"In North America, there are a lot more other biomes that are not desert."

"Don't pretend you know what that means."

Dan blinked. His eyes were merely clear and grey again. "What happened?"

"You prophesied." Lucifer mussed up Dan's hair. "You beautiful prophet, you."

Dan ducked away under Lucifer's hand, but grabbed hold of it and pressed it against his cheek. "Just call me an Uber," he begged.

Lucifer's expression softened minutely, and then his phone pinged.

"Duty calls," he said.

"What do you mean?" Amenadiel said.

"I have a business to run. Maze isn't here; I have to work her shift."

"What do I do in the mean time?"

"Confirm those friend requests. You don't even have to go home." Lucifer picked up the laptop held it out to Amenadiel. "One teeny-weeney little favor, and I'll give you the password."

"What's the favor?"

"You stay here, and look after Dan, until I get back. Easy-peasey."

"Hey!" Dan said.

Amenadiel took the laptop. "What's the password?"

"Isaiah14."

"I don't need a babysitter!" Dan said.

"Perish the thought," Lucifer said, and caressed Dan's cheek. "It's just for a little bit longer. I'll check the lost and found downstairs. It's amazing the things gets left behind at Lux. Used condoms. Diamond cock rings. I'm sure there's a pair of previously owned designer jeans that will fit you."

"Oh. Okay," Dan said, and reached for the Wild Turkey.

"Hold that thought, and I'll be right back."

Lucifer darted up to the sleeping level. When he came back he was wearing a fresh shirt, carrying his robe and had a bow-tie draped loose over his shoulder.

The robe, he handed to Dan.

"You can put this on. Pity to cover it up, but we don't want the Devil's food to distract Angel Cakes, over there."

Amenadiel was working on his Facebook page, and didn't bother to look up.

Dan slid off the stool. Lucifer helped him with the robe, and as he was looping the sash, Dan, smiling, took him by the hips and pulled him close. Lucifer smiled. They kissed. The kiss grew intense. But somehow, as tongues were becoming involved, the bow-tie over Lucifer's shoulder slipped to the floor.

"Oops," Lucifer said, and bent to retrieve it. There was a metallic click.

"What the fuck!" Dan yelled, as Lucifer straightened up. "You handcuffed me to the rail?!"

He jerked and pulled, trying to wrench the railing out of the base, and knocked the barstool over.

Lucifer picked it up and set it down firmly.

"Sit! And don't tell me you weren't going to try to escape. I heard that one before."

Dan sat.

Lucifer gave him a quick hug. "And don't pout."

"What happened?" Amenadiel finally looked up.

"He was going to sandbag you, and take off! I thought I was paying you to pay attention!"

Lucifer turned his collar up. whipped the tie around his neck and in a few deft moved had turned it into a perfect bow, talking the whole time.

"Just so everyone is clear on their parts: Dan, you sit and don't try to escape; Amenadiel, you watch him, and make sure he doesn't escape.

"The television behind the wide panel in that pillar and the handset is in that drawer; you kids can buy a movie, but nothing X-rated. Amenadiel, make sure Dan drinks plenty of water—there's a case in the fridge—and keep your hands to yourself."

Amenadiel shot a disgusted look at Dan.

Dan sneered back at him.

"I'll be home by four."

The devil shot his cuffs, brushed a bit of invisible lint from his lapel, and went off to earn his living.

 _Finis_ _  
_ _06/27/2016_


End file.
